Monday, January 15, 2007

Dear John (Suing iPod)

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April 4, 2006

Louisiana resident John Kiel Patterson filed a lawsuit that claims Apple's iPod can cause hearing loss. The suit, submitted to a San Jose, Calif. federal court seeks class-action status, compensation for hearing loss suffered by iPod users, and demands that Apple Computer update the iPod software so the portable music players can't blast tunes at more than 100 decibels.

Dear John,

As the unofficial non-attorney unofficially representing common-sense rational America, I would like to extend to you a healthy, happy, and hearty FUCK YOU IDIOT! I mean c’mon. What the fuck were you listening to anyhow that had to be cranked directly into your obviously underdeveloped cerebral cortex at over 100 decibels? In most jobs where noise levels are a factor, the Federal government mandates that hearing protection be worn. Most human beings know damned well what will happen to their hearing if they overload themselves with loud noise. If you ignored the obvious, then you’re just a fucking idiot. Try as I might to side with the ‘little guy’ on this one, you are a fuckwit who, by filing such ridiculous claims, makes it harder for those with legitimate suits to gain compensation.

I bet you are one of those stupid mother fuckers who proudly wears their iPod at the gym and cranks it up so loud that everyone else can hear what you’re playing, even over and above the gym’s loud music and the whirring noise of stairmasters and treadmills. You are probably hoping that the skinny bleached-blonde on the recumbent bike hears the music emanating from inside your skull and thinks you’re a real stud because of it. Sure, maybe she likes superficial deaf guys with no common sense or courtesy. By all means, go for it. But don’t ever fucking blame Apple, Sony, Blaupunkt, Olympus, or any other stereo manufacturer when you aren’t able to hear her shout at the top of her lungs that she isn’t interested in you.

Just because the iPod is powerful enough to play at dangerous levels does not mean you have to operate your music device at a deafening roar. The speedometer in my Ford Taurus goes to 120 mph. Should I be able to sue Ford Motor Co. because I decided to drive so fast in unsafe conditions? Power is a selling point that shows to the capability, durability, and quality of the product. Any idiot knows that comes with some responsibility. Well, anyone but you it seems.

You are a shit-for-brains. Your lawyer smells a big payday for himself. I hope you lose this one.




Also A Chussid said...


Had a good laugh. By golly people are so stupid…

Baal Habos said...

Hey, I'm not a lawyer but I can't say I agree with you on this. People often don't realize how loud the music is when listening with headphones.

But forget about that!

I came across this comment of yours on BD's Blog:

"I have been sleeping next to a wonderful woman for the last seven years, and she has no idea who I was. Even if try to describe the experience, she has no frame of reference from which to understand it.

So far, cyberspace is where we must turn."

At first I thought you were like me, where for 8 years, my wife had no idea that I was a skeptic, until very recently.

Then I read your post about Janice and I was really touched.

The interesting thing is that here we are, two skeptics, one open and one in hiding, who both benefit from the new Cybercommunity.

Good luck

Shlomo said...


Yasher koach!

OSHA standards set those conditions that are determined to cause hearing disbility at 80 decibels. At or above that, hearing protection i.e. plugs or mufflers are required by law. It's a pretty good rule.

In order to overplay outside noise completely, one would have to set their iPod of stereo at 10-15 decibles above the that level. The ear-buds allow the vibrations to strike directly at the inner ear as well, adding to the damage. If sound were a bullet, think about being shot at point blank range into a soft part of your anatomy as opposed to being clipped by a ricochet.

Now some people are fooled by the fact that bass level sounds are also felt through the feet.

Baal Habos said...

So, shouldn't there be some sort of consumer protection?

Shlomo said...

Yes. In Europe, manufacturers are not permitted to sell stereos that play louder than 85 decibels. The question is whether or not iPod should be liable even though they clearly and repeatedly state in the instruction manual that loud music can cause hearing loss. I doubt that John read the manual.

Since the European standarsd does not yet exist here in the US (it should), holding iPod liable seems a bit ridiculous.

My prediction: iPod loses or settles. Jury trials in these cases usually end up in high payouts.