Saturday, May 19, 2007

Sexuality & Obsession

Everyone has their opinion concerning extra-curricular sexual activities outside of the relationship they currently share. Each couple makes their own rules and each relationship has its own particular and often very confusing dynamic. Whether it appears good, bad, or ugly, I have learned not to pass judgments on other couples. It does not matter whether they are sexually ‘liberal’ or horribly abusive and controlling, from my vantage point, those relationships and what those persons choose for themselves is none of my fucking business. I have enough to worry about in my own relationship.

Couples make agreements, some of them explicit and others develop with time and circumstance, remaining unspoken yet very clearly drawn lines of conduct and demeanor covering a wide range of things. In my own relationships, I simply ask for honesty and teamwork. Keep to what you agree to, and don’t make shit up as you go along or change the rules in the middle of the game without good reason. One of the things I do not demand from a woman is sexual fidelity. She will be faithful or she will not. I would only ask that she use better judgment when playing around.

I learned long ago that to force people into monogamy does not always work out well in the long run. Some people are sexually expressive and curious beyond what is normally acceptable in our Puritanical-American view of sexuality. Many years ago, I loved a woman who, to put it bluntly, ‘couldn’t control her pussy’. She was open about her sexuality and on again off again lesbianism. I didn’t love her any less, but in my exuberant youthful male desire to maintain control, I drove myself from someone who I loved very much. Looking back from the vantage point of hindsight, I could have taken a much more enlightened approach to her sexuality and my own. People can share their bodies without giving away their hearts, and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a strictly personal matter.

Marlene Dietrich once said, “In America, sex is an obsession. In Europe, it’s a fact.” Only in America, does the nation go completely berserk when a sitting President gets a blow job. The effects of that prosecution wasted more than just time or money. It shifted our attention from truly important issues. Sex is just sex, and Marlene had it right. To turn sex into an obsession is to make it a religion unto itself, where we worship the attainment as some sort of epiphany while regulating it to the point of destroying the ease and pleasure with which sex is to be enjoyed.

It isn’t really about the sex, rather the attitude that punishes decent people for merely expressing their physical desires. No, I don’t advocate sexual anarchy at all. There are, of course, health and family issues to consider. For some, sexuality becomes a means of acting out on deeper psychological issues and those people should seek professional help. In my quest for social enlightenment, I recognized within myself the severe emotional frustrations caused by artificial and superstitious social stigmas surrounding sexual taboos. I chose to exclude those quasi-religious propositions from my personal relationships and I am happier for it.

It is all about the agreement.

Kol Tuv

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

The way you put it sounds *right* however in reality I think that most people including me, do not have the emotional base which would enable them to accept the fact that their partner is physically intimate with another. Yes sex can be *just sex* and if someone can enjoy it without attaching various emotional and/or spiritual weights that would affect their main, other relationship, cool. However I have found that for the most part, this is easier for men to do than for women. Despite the many drastic changes brought about by the feminist movement (although I think that what we need is people's liberation and not women's liberation) over the past decades, I see around me women of all socioeconomic groups, educated to various degrees, religiously observant to various degrees, and nearly all of them are unable to successfully apply the theory you write about here. Women tend to (I believe for the most part) attach more emotional value to sex than men do. Whether or not this is healthy for us women or not is another topic;) In theory I like to think that sex should be one of the most intimate and sacred ways for a couple (straight bi or whatever ual) to express the love and connection between them. When it is, then the sex is something quite different from *casual sex*, which has it's place for some people , sometimes.
Men I speak to seem to think that we make a big deal out of it.
Maybe it is one of those Men are from Mars Women are from Venus things.
Brachot
Jennie ( cleansingbreath)

Shlomo said...

Cleansie,

Zeh batuach.

I very much agree with your statement of "people's liberation" though it sounds a little to Maoist for most peoples tastes.

This sort of thinking isn't for everyone. In fact, it isn't even for me. I am not promiscuous and never really have been; at least not in comparison to others. To each his own and live and let live is what I'm after.

I am never casual about sex. Casual implies an indifference that I cannot seem to muster.

Kol Tuv

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